Transcript

Edmund: Seeing a police officer on trial is crazy enough, but in this situation, what happened right before the sentencing was even crazier. This event that I’ll never forget really caused a lot of conversations. 

A police officer accidentally entered the wrong apartment; thinking it was her home. And when she saw a man inside what she thought was her apartment, she fatally shot and killed this man; thinking he was an intruder. 

This man’s brother—right before the sentencing—made a statement. 

“I don’t want to say twice or for the hundredth time how much you’ve taken from us. I can speak for myself. I forgive you. I don’t know if this is possible, but can I give her a hug, please?”

Later in my work in youth ministry, the conversations that we were having tended to fall into two camps. It was either “Wow, that takes a lot of courage” or it was this kind of anger, like “I could never forgive someone who did that.”

You see, this dynamic of saying “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” is an exchange that we’ve all experienced from both sides. And these are some of the most intimate and either kind or volatile exchanges or dynamics that we can experience in our relationships. But these are also some of the most misunderstood, especially this one: “I forgive you.”

And maybe you can relate. I mean, have you ever had a hard time forgiving someone? I know I have. And Jesus teaches us to pray in the Lord’s Prayer “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” And I don’t know about you, but sometimes, some days that feels impossible.

So what is forgiveness, really? And what do we do when we have a hard time forgiving? Let’s talk about it.

Some people have this misconception that to forgive means all my negative feelings disappear.

But the Catechism speaks about forgiveness in paragraph 2843 and it says:  “It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession.”

So how you feel about how someone’s wronged you, or the fact that you can’t forget it…that’s out of your control. And this also means that forgiveness is an act; it’s something we do. We offer our heart to the Holy Spirit. 

It’s kind of like we walk around with this little notebook of a list of all the people that have wronged us, and the debts that they owe us. And in forgiveness, what we’re actually doing is we’re saying “God, I hand over my personal claim to any payback.”

But it might still sting every time you think about it. I mean, you’re handing this over and your feelings might lag behind. And so every time those feelings resurface, you might have to actively strive to reaffirm that decision. 

So forgiveness is a participation in God’s own mercy because He has already freed us of our debts. We are called to pray for the grace to do the same for others. See, we’re praying for God to allow that mercy to penetrate our hearts so we can live in the same way. Because remember, even while Jesus was on the Cross, He was praying “Father, forgive them.”

Another really common misconception about forgiveness is that by forgiving, we have to excuse or minimize the wrong that occurred or that we have to drop all pursuit of justice. 

But actually, true forgiveness—this is what’s cool— is it’s actually the opposite. To forgive fully means to fully understand two things: your feelings about it and the reality of what actually happened. 

Legal justice might still be required for the sake of the common good of the community and for the offender’s own conversion.

And finally, people sometimes think that forgiveness means forgetting. This is another way that people try to avoid dealing with their own feelings, emotions, and the reality of what someone did; they try to just push that aside. Sometimes this will sound like “Let’s just forget about it.”

But true forgiveness is no small thing. I mean, true forgiveness is a courageous act because it’s hard to forget a grave offense. Forgiveness is about truly understanding the forgiveness and mercy that we’ve been extended from God. In a way, we are relating to the reality of God’s right to vengeance and justice. And we try to model that mercy that He extended to us by extending it to this other person.

See, the goal here is not necessarily to forget the offense, but to experience God’s mercy, to model that mercy because Jesus teaches us to, and to experience the interior freedom that comes with forgiveness. 

The Catechism goes on to say in paragraph 2843 that  “Thus the Lord’s words on forgiveness, the love that loves to the end, become a living reality.”

Isn’t that cool to think about? Every time we practice forgiveness, the Lord’s words on forgiveness become a living reality in our lives. 

So how do we put this all into practice? The biggest thing to always remember that we can’t do this on our own; we need God’s grace. 

Obviously, first of all, you’re going to take this to prayer and really ask Jesus to help you forgive; to help you make this choice. So you can have an honest conversation about how this made you feel, and how you’re feeling about this person.

And I found that it’s helpful to be really specific in prayer; to say “Lord, I want to forgive (and say the name of the person) for (and describe the wrong for what he or she did to you).”

And finally, remember it’s important to set boundaries. Oftentimes those boundaries can help make room for us to feel ready to forgive; to feel protected enough to actually forgive. 

Seek out advice from others that you trust, and pray for wisdom and discernment in what healthy boundaries you should put in place to make sure this doesn’t happen again—if that’s something you need to do, especially in situations where the other person is really hesitant to admit that he or she did anything wrong. 

Look, trust me. I know—in a very real way—that it is hard to forgive. But Jesus commands us to. And He commands us to as a condition for us to experience His mercy and forgiveness. And in a certain way, the difficulty of forgiveness opens up our hearts to the reality of what God has done for us. 

It opens our hearts because, in a small way, we can relate. And this is why Jesus thought this was so important to teach us in the Lord’s Prayer. 

But living it is not easy. And it has to be done from a place of prayer; conversation with God, so that He  can pour grace and mercy into our hearts. Because Christian prayer allows mercy to penetrate our hearts so we can forgive and be forgiven.